Feeling blue

I don't know where to start in expressing how I feel at the moment....

Shit just keeps popping.....

As it saddens my heart that my graduation from uni has been delayed I have managed to still be excited for my friends that are....

But knowing all of this...... The friends I am excited for keep acting like "oh no I don't have the time to hang am busy preparing for graduation and you wouldn't understand"--- pause--- why because I wouldn't know what graduation preparation would feel like because I aint graduating?

That shit hurt my feelings too bad!

I am a loner at heart no doubt..but I am so big on friendship I go out of my way to open up a little bit so my friends don't feel like I don't care.....

To top it all I feel drifted from my friends *bare in mind I don't use that term too loosely*

A couple of weeks ago a friend said to me " Cee ever on her high horse that you can't admit when you are wrong and just apologize" 

That stung!

Two days ago I kept calling a friend who came into town and I wanted to find out she was okay and in the midst of all the concerned calls and ims and yet no reply....when she finally did she goes "I have been busy running around for my graduation stop being self centered"

Again that stung!

 Because the least she could have done was text or pick up and lemme know that so I wouldn't worry... But hey that's what self centered people do!

I evaluate myself on a regular basis...I'm open to criticism and in all of my evaluation all I learned about myself is I invest too much emotions on stuff that are important to me and I guess not so much to others...

Its probably me but why my friends *if they really are that* wouldn't come to me and tell me "oh this and this you do I don't like" if it is what justifying I would else I'll work on it..

I lost my baby cousin today and my heart still grieves for his parents and siblings

I know lately I've been all rants or overly emotional

But believe me that I have been through things I never imaging I would ever the past couple of months....

With the risk of sounding overly independent at this point I really could do without anyone except family....

I'm too emotional but that is covered with steel so no one plays out on that.....

Like I said...words are good release for me

So that's what I came here to do....

I don't ever wanna turn out a bitter woman!

Kachis' 11 question Tag

1. What do you think of when you think of New York or Paris? 

New york: Traffic, High street fashion, Starbucks, money
Paris: Class, coffee, croissants, pastry, black, cigarettes, glasses, gloves. fashion

2.Which one of your character flaws would you like to improve? 
I speak to quickly in my temper but im toning that down.

3.If you had it to do over again what would you study in school? 
I'd probably be a communication major or law..not sure

4.If you had an extra room in your house what would you use it for?
My own private space! No1 goes in or out except me. I'd retreat there when i need to unleash emotions through drawing, crying dancing whatever really..

5.What would you do if you were invisible for a day? 
Spook people the fuck out

6.Who is there in your life that you would take a bullet for? 
at the moment my baby sister

7.If you could spend five minutes with the president what would you talk about? 
I'd smack that cap off his head..look him in the eyes and say "You might think you know what your doing! You might thing you take the high road and you are a good man! but for shit to work nigga you gotta be grim sometimes! STEP THE FUCK UP!

8.What cause are you willing to fight for? 
Self expression.

9. How would you explain love to somebody who had never heard of it before? 
When your willing to displease yourself in order to give another being that isnt you a reason to smile...That's love

10.If you had a year off with pay, what would you do? 
Travel and pick up foreign languages...learn painting

11.On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you with your life right now?
a 6...im working on ending life feeling 20/10 on the happy meter.

When does it stop?

That quest to fully understand the main essence of life. not derived from the bible or told to you by elders but to truly understand by self the main purpose of being here.
One only probably achieves such wisdom by truly living but how can you truly live if the purpose of being here hasn't been fully gasped?

How does one face fears unmet if your biggest fear is fear itself?

I dont want to be afraid but i am afraid of being afraid!

I am powerful because i know that i am but the circumstances i am yet to face makes me know i am just as powerless or powerful as i let myself feel!

The fingers are not equal and man shall not judge unless thee is ready to be judged themselves.
If i have judged myself with open morality...can i know look unto others and outline their flaws? I would only do such with good intentions because i am fully aware that perfection is only of the gods..or the God. there is only one supreme being yes? i dont like to dwell on these things just so no1 says i have sinned against man or God or gods..i cant tell for sure.

This puzzle is never complete because till the day i die all i'll be doing is a continuous viscous circle of learning, finding, knowing, loving, living and never for a second letting time be wasted on shit that remain irrelevant to my existence..

The 11 Question Tag

Okay i have been tagged twice so i'll say random things about myself and answer the 2 sets of blogger questions
I was tagged by Kachi : bitemylowerlips.blogspot.com
                           Nelo: nelospears.blogspot.com
Go follow them..
11 Random Things about me

1) Im 6ft tall
2) I enjoy kisses, cuddling and pedicures..oh and walks too
3) I like to cook
4) I have a very creative and exaggerated mind
5) I am an extrovert but half the time i'd rather be by myself
6) I am such a loner
7) I am terribly disgusted by rats
8) I see pictures in the clouds
9) I have used a lot of I's just now does that make me subconsciously self centered? Go figure
10) count me in for a good laugh any day
11) WTF do humans domesticate animals though?

Nelo's Questions

1. would you rather be poorly dressed with a made up face or no make up with a nice dress on?

I'd rather have a NICE dress on

2. would you rather exercise or diet?
Exercise


3. where do you see your self in 5 years?
Alive by his Grace, almost fulfilled...almost a mogul...pleased

4. what can you NOT stand?
People who snore!

5.if you could meet anyone living or dead who would that be?
Lil wayne, Beyonce, Oprah

6.If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?
25..your old enough..and still young enough

7.If you knew the world was ending in 2012, what would you do differently?
make sure i have inner peace.

8.If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
The next Coachella concert

9.If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
Learn foreign languages

10.If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
My clothing line

11.If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?
Act like a god.

Take it Off...

In life your heart, mind soul and body's upkeep should be your utmost concern and priority.
That said i got myself into some very ridiculous situation this weekend.
Imagine this:

I get a call and its from my lover..we go back and forth teasing ourselves and seeing as it was a friday and my weekends here are usually spent with him he was coming to pick me up. I get another call being invited for a party so i shower and head there to chill till he gets here.
We get to his and things get steamy and half way into our about to be steamy sex, Nigga goes "Which of my tshirts do you have on?" In my mind i am stupefyingly flabbergasted that i am on top of this dude and all he is doing at this very moment is wondering what tshirt of his i have on!
Me: Huh? lets not do this now b, you'll ruin the mood
Him: wait seriously if its the tshirt i had on today its new..
Me: So?
Him: Like i've only worn it once
Me: *pulls shirt and flings it at him* finish up yourself *immediately fall into deep slumber from how pissed off i was*

I dont get it! I have gone back and forth on this one and it made absolutely no sense! i have never had such an experience in my life nor have i heard it happened to any one.

You stop me in the middle of sex to take a shirt off because its new? You couldn't be tactful enough to pull it off me without me realizing the reason you did that?

Guys surprise me with new lows ALWAYS!

and that was how my weekend almost went downhill because i am still carrying around an un-orgasmed orgasm! lol

It will get better with time..X

Thursday Banter! :)

I need to learn the act of consistency!! RANDOM!!

LOL that seems to be theme of my blog which is really like a toned down diary for me...

Anywayyy! Life is returning to normalcy a little! First quarter of the year is almost over and i believe the rest of the year is about to turn upward because i suddenly have intense positive energy.

Something i'd like to share. Like the heavens heard my wails, this week was soo uplifting and gratifying! How? For each day of the week so far, considerable reference to my future keeps coming up randomly..in a good way and i feel this aura like life is tryna tell me something...If its "Hang in there it'll get better" best believe i'm "closeted" LOL Get it?

I woke up this morning next to my lover and for the first time in a long time i wished i was in love..i dont know why because i have tuned myself off from all of that feelings bit for the time being.. My heart isnt ready..yet..
As optimistic as i am, i know/feel am bound to get hurt again *I really hope i am wrong* so therefore i am tossing that love with abandon shit out the window and safe guarding my heart!

I'm looking forward to the summer holidays, there is a chance of a family trip this holiday and that has been fucking over due.

I don't know if i ever mentioned it on my blog but i WOULD LOVE TO BE AN AUTHOR some day but since that thought came to mind i havent been able to decide what i'd write about. I started to write letters to future me with life lessons and my journey till the moment i have enough past experience and lessons worthy of sharing but trust my inconsistent self i haven't put anything in it for awhile now.. anyway today an idea final struck and i know what am gonna write about! I actually even have a name for the book..
"**************************************" by Cynthia Lawrence!! I could get used to seeing that!

Trying to work on research papers..just felt like coming on here for self expression #NP Want it Need it-Plies ft ashanti! TUNE!!

Rambling

Okay so i have been extremely whiny the past weeks but who can blame me especially when regardless of how much has happened i up and have an accident on sunday! Which would have been ghastly injuries but thanks to God and all those guiding us we came off injured but nothing fatal! *exhales*

I honestly don't know what's happening but i believe i'd get through it!
Family before anything else because blood is forever! Wonder how i got to this?
A lesson i keep learning and forgetting...i need to evaluate how much effort i invest in a relationship that i have with a person no matter the type. Half the time i come off over-invested and drawing up losses...I wonder when i'd learn..

TBH i don't have anything to seriously do a post on! Just wanted to share by accident testimony i guess..Peace and Love..X